wish i could describe sounds better: like the sound the printer makes
when it flashes it colored lights through a negative and onto paper
just for a moment seperating and disecting the images into multitues of tones> re-creating the eyes depction of a moment worth documenting. its then i wonder if a photo is left with only three moments to live. one when its taken. one when its printed. and one the first time the photographer reacts to it. but i guess i know better.

occassionally, like today, we get an overdeveloped roll of underexposed pictures. potential is distressed and success is harder to find in rolls like these... but they are a result of fate... (!/?) and serve their purpose in sparking memories of a specific fraction of a second.

i let myself get tired.
i encourage myself to get frusterated. (without acknowledgement)
and turn my eyes to fit my interest. but
i
am
an
artist.
no longer a specialness junkie.
just inspired through my world
and what greater feeling than to be an inspiration?
especially when, in the end,
i am just another tree attempting to bare my limbs and be noticed without screaming oranges and reds, and without being typical, cool, envious green
just bark
no bite
just a naked tree
just me

shutter speed is rapid
tired eyes are hard to control
apature widens
on this camera to the world
nested on a tripod
of little appreciation

blaming my moods
on my being a girl
crabby and tired
over analytical
directionless
what the hell are these tears doing here?
how am i so happy?
how am i crying?

not allowed to be tired yet
i still have to add ten hours into my schedule
more time to supervise
less time so socialize
but already i
can't even give my baby my all
the way he loves me
brings me to tears
more tears
but from a different recipe

Balance, help.

Define lazy... looking up the time, online, standing three feet away from a clock? Perhaps.
Dendrophobia... not for me
but i'll settle on something to take a feild trip tomorrow
visiting a fresco in the city
they showed italy in the movie
go back in a heartbeat
but will borrow a fresco for now
quite a proccess
to perminant for me
i must do and re-do
change and be changed
but look i will tomorrow
scrape away my job today
and dream of lemon trucks

We cannot be happy
if we expect to live all the time at the highest peak of intensity.
Happiness is not a matter of intensity,
but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony.
  -- Thomas Merton


feeling better
i'm refreshed and balanced.
bring on rhythm and my day ahead.

disturbed by abnormal reactions
lunch in a fire scheme
pacing within my mind, debates and shouting
harsh words and candy hearts ruin my day
viewer digression is advised
no one warned me
im the only one who works around here
keeping this house a home
i've become to understand
that its NOT really that hard

hiding in todays clouds
want to pour out like the rain
millions of thousands of drips and drops
scattered across the earth, enriching ... something
seeping into the ground
not growing
but helping another grow

always craving tomorrow
i've been told that's my problem
so bring on yesterday

POOP

Night time on my left, daytime on my right, accepting the way things never change. Day after day, insides are still resembling the day before.
Today, however, I am satisfied. And here change is upon me.
Even this disappointment in the self brings about frustration and motivation to change. Finding acceptance of physical, energy for emotional, living for spiritual. Heart drives my mind, mind controls my heart. One without the other, like eyes without sight, or hands without touch. But droplets, says my book, are signs of sensitive touch, I bear them on both hands.
I feel. And I feel satisfied.

granola bars are better when they're warm
red lights are better with company
gas is worth what binoculars read
eight hours of driving is better than roses
air hockey is better than diamonds
weekend together is worth more than anything

watching my tulips shiver in the cold
beyond some place
over our rainbow...
dreamt disapproval stands no chance
except to keep stale buns company
endless enjoyments
incapable language
...its where you'll find me

trip through deep space
trying to see further and farther
only blinded by the abundance
of what is right in front of me
do not mind the snow
but i do prefer the rain
and trips through deep thought

no wrapped exchange for valentines day
just a four hour tour up north and back
not a normal couple
but perfect none-the-less
we are alive and well
('only dead fish go with the flow')

yet I'll never form the words
in a way that satisfies my heart
to feel at rest
to know you truly know
even if i know, you know
and you know, i know, you know
but i dont know,
if you know,
that you're by far,
most amazing, my loren

so,
will you be my valentine?

Doubting everything or believing everything are two equally convenient solutions, both of which save us from thinking.
-- Jules Henri Poincar, La Science et l'hyphothse (1902)


the simplest explinations come in free words
anothers mouth and a new perspective
fighting the everyday breakdown and beating
of unplanned comments and criticisms
like a splinter that takes a needle to remove
or a cry to conquer clutter
it all gets worse before it gets better
strenth in understanding the misunderstood
freedom of an open mind
acceptance of the beautiful
and not so beautiful suprises

"Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life."
- Herbert Otto

abstract and inner dwelling, climbing the edges of safety on a snow covered earth, doing what must be done in hope to make up for what I didn't. completely lost as to what has caused me to fail myself. to constantly disrespect and tear apart my being. no faith. no love. no commitment to be all that I am. and here: a familiar example, complaining about what I do while doing it. arg.
from here on, I sacrifice the privilege to do my favorite thing in the world when and if I fail to expand my talent... if I do not rise and conquer the responsible life.. I shall not celebrate in the fun one.
I shall open my ears inward, listen to myself for once and for always. because I can, and deserve it.

how am i today? living the dream.

half a can of ones avoidance after shovels in three hands, satisfied and well worked. silenced in my empty humms and blind before my eyes, burying edges and sticky cups, i need to get some new. waffled in between being angry and thankful this afternoon, no helpful hands and time passed quickly, everything is okay.

i dream of dreams, "of shoes and ships and ceiling wax, of cabbages and kings. and why the sea is boiling hot and weather pigs have wings" but Alice in her wonderland and my other life are two apart, for in my dreams i go to places much in my own taste. there i find my moon, my friend, and a ship to sail that sea. accompanied by the light of reflection and powered by inner success there are no bounds to my travels.

sometimes i get real quiet, and spelunk into my mind. i pray you'll stay real close to me and hear my whispered findings. for what good is a part of me unless i live the part... ?